I took this photo yesterday morning while spending my quiet time with the Lord. I posted it on my social media outlets with the following scripture “But you, O Lord are a shield around me; You are my glory, the one who holds my head high…” - Psalm 3:3. I meant and believe every word. I also placed the reference of Matt 6:28 at the end. I believe those things too. “Do not worry”. “Seek first the Kingdom”.  

A few hours later however the blooms were no longer raising their heads. Just a few hours later…and I felt every bit the same. 

As a single mom, I function in every bit of the reality of those two words “single” “mom”. The weight at times is almost crushing. It is not at all the way our Father in heaven intended us to do life. It is not the environment He intended my children to grow up in. I know this. Add to that the thoughts in my Christian trained from birth brain that rush in “give it to Jesus”… "abide”…"His yoke is easy". The inability to feel those words, or force myself into a mindset of laying it all down adds to the weight with guilt of not being able to physically live out what I know to be true (lies from the enemy…yes I know these things too). The simplicity in the beauty of the lilies, words from my Father, the fresh morning, and fresh belief that His mercies are new every morning still etched on my heart have been attacked and my physical brain is too cluttered to allow my physical body to release the hold of chaos. Like the lilies pictured below, my heart that was moments before refreshed by the gentle light, now felt scorched by it. 

Have you been there? Have you fought with every part of your being to experience this fullness of joy promised by His presence (Ps 16:11) and then found yourself head bowed in exhaustion hours later with exhaustion being the overwhelming theme of the season? 

A friend that I met online shared a book he had read a few months ago. Online dating, also not for the faint of heart. Every now and then a true gentleman in this world shines through and even though the intended outcome of a "dating" relationship doesn’t happen, a friendship of mutual encouragement emerges. I’m so thankful the Lord crossed our paths. Friendships instigated by the Lord are a true blessing. A line early in the book “preaching a way of life that sounds better than it actually is…” - The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry stopped me in my tracks. The rest of the book is so good as well. It’s partially the reason for the perspective shared here. Life as we know is not always easy. I never want to share the morning beauty without also including the reality found in the heat of the day moments. The ones where we simply bow our heads and say “I just can’t anymore”. 

In the middle of “I can’t” however, also exist two powerful words that are my strength. I feel them even stronger at my core than the "I can'ts". The two simple words “I believe”. The beautiful old hymn came to mind as I typed those words. “I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I’ve committed unto him against that day.” - (I Know Whom I have Believed) I made a commitment to Jesus decades ago and intentionally renewed that moment of surrender a few years ago. "I believe"…and from one of my favorite moments in scripture of Jesus knowing where He came from, what He was given, and where He was going there is strength to continue (John 13:1-5). I know where I’m from. I know whose I am. I know where I’m going. I know who I surrendered to. And so even here in the middle where so many things don’t make sense and where I most definitely mess it up along the way (John 13:38), I can still have hope. I still see Him with me. Just this week, when the heaviness seemed to be winning in my brain driving to work in spite of my attempts to release it, I passed a familiar car. That car then followed me into my work parking lot. The driver rolled down his window. A few moments of lighthearted convo and then “how are you?” I was honest. I knew the encounter was from the God who sees. The Lord didn’t send just any man, but a man filled with the Spirit that knows more about my family than most AND can truly empathize on a level that few can understand. My Father who sees, crossed our paths on that Wednesday morning and sent someone to battle in prayer for my crew and offer words of encouragement. Those moments don’t just happen. I believe in a loving God who orchestrates them. 

Here in the middle I do confess the exhaustion, but also I can tell you of time after time where God almighty steps in. Where He provides. Where He sends glimpses of himself in the chaos (my neighbor cut my front yard for instance just this morning). I know He is present, alive, and active. He is our strength in our weakness (2 Cor 12:8-10). He is my “husband” (Isaiah 54). He equips with the ability to “stand” (Eph 6:14). He gives the ability to look the enemy in the eyes and say “Be gone Satan” (Matt 4:10). He can and will equip you with the same. Believe in Him. 

A favorite quote from one of my all time favorite books. “Lift up your head, Warrior. Every now and then, heaven opens and a hand reaches down to connect the past and the future with a story bigger than our own. Like Jacob’s ladder, it hints of a greater salvation, a God who is more relentless than our worst circumstances…Can you see His face? It’s the face of a God who sees you where you are. And meets you there.” - Michele Cushatt - Relentless. If you need some extra encouragement, pick up a copy. Michele takes you on a journey that helps you identify the presence of Jesus in your life. Be encouraged! He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). He is so very present. He is faithful. He will meet you again and again. Take time to listen to this beautiful song! Here Again

Evening blooms